Day 10

The Worth of Knowledge

Knowledge. What does it even do? Does it actually make one wiser or more intellectual? Or does it tear an individual apart? Ripping away the innocence, the blissful ignorance that we so often take for granted.

The knowledge that people are not who they may appear to be, the knowledge that no matter how hard you try, you will Never be good enough. To obtain such knowledge of helplessness, of hopelessness; knowing that the end result is not within the work of your hands and nothing you can and will do could prevent or induce what would happen in the future.

The anxiety and stress of the Knowledge that I may not do as well as I had expected has dawned on me. I had been overconfident, thinking I knew it all, refusing to consult others. There is so much regret from this horrible mistake of overestimating my own capabilities. I am Terrified.

Day 2

A Race To Finish

This morning, I ran a 10km race. Just a few months ago, it would have been totally fine. I would have whizzed through the entire route without much of an effort; pacing through the hills, racing to the finish. I would have been so in the moment, determination written in my face, competition etched deep in my heart and soul. I might have even been able to take a step on the podium; imagine that sense of achievement!

But today, I didn't. I ran 25 minutes slower than I usually would. I slow-jogged on the downhills, trudged through the flat roads, WALKED the hills. It was something totally unheard of in my 5 year running 'career', -if you could even call it that-. I lost the push in my lungs, the spring in my step, the fire in my heart. My legs were unaccustomed to carrying an extra body weight of 12 kilograms, giving way pathetically at the 3-4km mark. It wasn't just demotivating; it was painful and heartbreaking.

BUT Suddenly,

I started to become more aware of my surroundings. I had more to think about than winning; more to care about than a podium finish. Instead of shutting others out and picking out potential competitors, I decided to smile and encourage those around me. I thanked the volunteers who were placed along the route -at the junctions, checkpoints and water stations. And for the first time, I threw the cups in to the bins instead of littering on the road (oops). It is easy to forget about these little things when we are too focused on ourselves.

I completed the 10k with a broad smile on my face, which truly did shock me. I had a greater sense of fulfillment than I probably would have standing on the podium, beating myself up for not pushing myself harder -getting a better timing or position. 

Don't get me wrong; competition isn't bad at all! What is an athlete without competition? However, to drive yourself crazy, getting mad at yourself for it; is it worth the self-hate? It's a journey to strike the perfect balance between the two -competition and self love-, a goal I so desperately need. Balance. 

I just need.

To take

Small steps.

I have started this race, and I am going to complete this - no matter how hard and difficult it can/will get. Every journey has its ups and downs; and while good times never last, I don't have to worry because bad ones don't either.

Day 1

A New Beginning

Today, I start writing things I am grateful for in my life. Sometimes, we tend to focus on the insignificant negativity and in turn, forget the wonderful memories, people and blessings which surround us. We forget that to even wake up and breathe, to be able to walk, to run -no matter how slow-, to speak, to hear -no matter painful their words are-, to be able to feel -no matter how much it hurts-. We can do so much; why do we limit ourselves within the narrow spectrum of our pessimistic mindsets?

Yes, I do cry often; may it be in the form of the tears which fall when I am alone, or the piercing stab I feel in my heart, the growing lump in my throat when I am around others. I do feel. Yes, I can be terribly jealous, horribly impatient, uncontrollably rash in my actions and decisions. I am imperfect, but then again, who isn't? I am human and it's about time I accept myself for who I am and stop beating myself up for the things I could not do.

I am starting from rock bottom, a dark, dark place I had never been immersed in until now. I fall deeper into self-loathe by the day; hating who and what I have become, blaming myself for my failures to the point where I felt like I was not WORTH the self-progress. It is about time I take charge of my life and put an end to this. I am in control of my story and I write my own happy ending.